Summer Post CalSO

The first step is the hardest. Isn't that the way it goes? Everything in our lives started with a first step, every accomplishment, every failure, every detail long forgotten, every friendship and everything else all has a beginning. I have to remind myself every day that nothing can be done without being started. But at the same time, I have to remind myself that if I think too much about that first step it doesn't get done. I wont take the step if I have to do it. Anytime someone tells me to do something, I will resist, fight back, try and be intimidating and create mean faces. I do this to myself when I tell myself I have to do something. This is a thought that has a recurring role in my life. In order for me to get something done, I have to let go of wanting it done.

This is a dedication to my fellow counselors. I am uncharacteristically a jumble of emotions today because I think I wasted my summer. I am the one who is saying at the end of it all how I wish I got to know you all better, how I wish I let you all get to know me better. I've been told that I come off as "too cool." For the first time I wish this wasn't the case. Against my better judgment I have fallen in love with you all, and never let any of you know it. I guess that means that it has finally hit me. I'm not too cool.

I remember something Meegan said at the beginning, when she asked me why I was doing this (a good question at the time). I didn't really have an answer, but I will get to that later. One thing she said after I told her the answer was "I think you are the only one who looks at this like a job." I don't know if I was the only one, but CalSO was a job for me. I would say it was a job for me until there were about 4 programs left. Then it was a passion. And at some point it became something more. I was there for the students, but I was really there for the counselors. I would do anything for you all. I don't know how this happened, because I really didn't want this to happen. I think I would have been happy either feeling this way in the beginning, or not feeling this way at all. All I want is to go down the hall and visit Scott, Eric, Irene or Jen, or go downstairs and see the people that I didn't visit as often like Anna, Tristan (either), Minisha or Jean. I want to spend time with every single one of you. And I have to wait. This is more than annoying. So how much of my summer did I waste by not doing this? In the end I wish I payed less attention to my job and more attention to my coworkers. So I am going to ask you all a favor, when I call you and ask you if you want to hang out, say yes. I NEVER do this, it's a huge stretch for me. If you say no I probably wont ask again. It's part of the whole "too cool" thing I am so good at. If any of you think I am a cool guy (and I'm sure almost all of you do) you need to get to know me better. Ask Jen A., who knows me the best probably, if I am cool and she will probably say "Yes, but not in the way you think."

This can't be the end for you and me. Letting go without more would be a crime. I'm good at writing people off; I don't want to write any of you off.